Lori's Cable Guidelines (Or I Want To Bang A Flock of Tinkerbells)

Somebody asked me what I watch on my brand new cable.

My answer? Everything - within my guidelines, which I'll get to later.

Have you folks heard of this amazing invention the cable? There are like over 500 channels to choose from. THAT'S ALOTTA CHANNELS, MY SWEET BABIES.

So, cable sounds super fantastic doesn't it? Sounds like a wonderous world of wonder and um, more wonder. (Sorry, all the cable has already begun to erode my vocabulary).

But seriously, cable, to me, sounds like a magical fairyland of joy. And I'm talking the sexy hot Tinkerbell kinda fairy, not the Richard Simmons kind. Unless you're into Richard Simmons. If you are into Richard Simmons type fairies, then I invite you to go right ahead and imagine that.

But I'd rather bang the little cartoon type. Maybe I'd need to bang like 20 of them at once for it to really work, I don't know. I haven't worked out all the details yet.

I want to make sweet love to alotta hers.

Um, can I get back to you on how I'd gang bang a bunch of Tinkerbells? Because that isn't my point here. My point here is that I LOVE CABLE TELEVISION.

But I still really want to bang a gang of Tinkerbells, even though I am not a lesbian. I just wish I was a lesbian and I think that banging, um, wait, is "gang" the right term for a bunch o' Tinkerbells? Swarm of Tinkerbells? A herd of? Um, I think that banging a gaggle of Tinkerbells might swing me the gay way. A flock bang if you will.*

But, ok um, my point here, REALLY, is that I got cable and it has changed my life for the better.

But LOOK OUT my sweet babies, because cable isn't EXACTLY the wonderous world of magic that it appears to be at first glance. Sadly, there are actually only one or two channels at any given time worth watching. And sometimes you might have trouble knowing what in the sam hill you could possibly watch, when all you see on is crapola.

That's where I come in. Let ME tell you what to watch. Even when it seems there's apparently nothing on worth seeing, that's where you're wrong. There is always something on. You just have to know a few rules:

Cast of Law & Order SVU (That's Mariska, front and center).

Cable Guideline #1: Law & Order.
They're always on. If you're gonna fully enjoy the cable, you're gonna have to learn to like Law & Order. I resisted at first, because they seemed too, oh I don't know, too crimey. But thing is, crime always makes for good TV. That's just the way it is.

I prefer Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (SVU). It's about rapists and pedophiles, so what's not to like? I watched 6 of them this past weekend. Plus, I really want to bang Mariska Hargitay. I swear I'm not a lesbian.

A damn good really bad movie.

Cable Guideline #2: Develop an appreciation for bad movies.
Like the kind on Lifetime. Think of it as abusive mind candy. Or violent junk food. Or something. Either way, learn to like it.

Unfortunately, nothing was on this past weekend with my favorite Queen of Lifetime actress, Merdith Baxter-Birney.

So, instead, this weekend I watched "The Pick-Up Artist" starring Robert Downey Jr. and Molly Ringwald on WE. (Lifetime, WE, same diff). Downey was this, duh, pick-up artist who picked up the sassy and aloof Molly Ringwald. Of course, because she's so sassy and aloof, Downey falls in love with her and wants to help her out of some financial problem with the mob. And then I fell asleep. But, I enjoyed it up until then. Really.

I like looking at the early 90's Downey. I like feeling like a fortune teller predicting all the bad times to come for him. Playing fortune teller to future celebrity misfortune is fun!

Cable Guideline #3: It is ok to fall asleep during a cable TV movie.
Actually, it is encouraged. You're supposed to. I mean, really, cable is the opiate of the masses and I love opiates. Yes, Karl Marx was right. Opiates are a helluva good time. That's what he said, right?

Cable Guideline #4: Stay behind in your viewing so you can enjoy whatever quality drama from years ago on pay cable that everybody is already over but is now currently being pushed on basic cable.
If you stay behind in your viewing, then you can watch what everybody else already saw a long time ago. But if you wait, it will be brand new to you! Right now it's Six Feet Under. They're playing a lot of them lately and they're not bad, so you may as well watch a few. Not my favorite, but not too shabby. Sadly, there's nobody I want to bang on there. But, at least there's a lot of death and some gays and swears (although bleeped) and drinking and drugging. You can't have a good show without substance abuse. Actually, I think that's a new rule.

Ice Cold Mocha abusing an ice cold substance.

Cable Guideline #5: You can't have a good show without substance abuse. This brings me to another show you can watch. Intervention. It's on A&E at 10pm on Sundays. And some other times too. It's always about some crazy fucked up drug user and then a "surprise" intervention. I watched one about rich alcoholic lady. BORing. Alcoholics are boring. Been there done that. She actually shouted to the sky "WHERE ARE MY BABIES"? SUCH a drama queen (a former actress, of course). Nobody does shit like that unless there's a camera involved. She was so psyched to be filmed. She LOVED getting bombed on camera. But you can see a lady getting bombed in any bar, on any night in any city. BORing.

But then I watched one about a heroin prostitute. Now that's some good viewing. That heroin must be some REALLY good stuff because this chick would blow scumbags with mullets for a hit. (Not that there's anything wrong with scumbags with mullets).

Britney wearing granny panties and talking physics.

Cable Guideline #6: Develop an interest in and appreciation for celebrity gossip.
To truly enjoy cable, you must be interested in Kramer's racial epithets and whether or not Britney Spear's wears panties. You don't have to subscribe to US Weekly (even though you should) but you must be aware of this bullshit because it is the fuel that keeps cable running. And, you're gonna see a lot of it, so why not embrace it?

Well folks, that's already quite enough of my jibber-jabbering about cable television.

I think I've given you plenty of guidelines to make sure there's always something for you to watch.

I have more to say on this topic, but I guess I'll just have to keep the rules coming as the cable spirit moves me. Or until the Tinkerbells take me away from all this. Whichever comes first.

* Didn't I say something awhile back here about wanting to write something that I wouldn't be ashamed to have my mother read? I guess that will have to be a long-term goal because I am so ashamed by what I've written here.