Highlight From Last Night

I saw a guy with a perm.

Refuse, Refuse, Accept

One thing I still have not adapted to here in in the big city is how DIRECT New Yorkers are. They are not shy about telling you exactly what's on their minds.

This is not how we do things where I come from. Where I come from, being direct is considered rude.

For example, if you are a guest at someone's house and they offer you a beverage, the polite thing to do is refuse, by saying something like "oh no thanks." When they ask if you are sure, again, you refuse again by saying something like "oh gosh, no, I couldn't possibly trouble you."

Then, it is their responsibility to ask a third time, at which point you say something like "well, if you're sure it's not too much trouble." I call this the refuse-refuse-accept method. It was how I was raised and I was raised right.

I prefer no direct confrontation EVER. Being passive-aggressive is a much better option, in my opinion.

I am the best when it comes to kicking your ass behind your back without you knowing about it.

Oh, you'll know when I'm mad. I'll silently get the point across, without ever really telling you what's going on.

But you'll know. Oh, you'll know.

Or, you might not have any idea what's going on at all.

Either way, I have avoided confrontation and that's what's really important.

Scotch On The Rocks

So, I leave this Friday for my trip home to the midwest. (Brace yourself, my sweet babies, there could be some interruptions in your Lori Mocha blog service. I need a guest blogger, maybe.)

For some reason, I always think I need a brand new, glamourous wardrobe for trips out of town.

Then I arrive to find a suitcase full of nothing but sequin gowns.

I guess I always hope for some kinda soap opera scene at my vacation destination.

I think that I'll get there and slip into my sequin gown and pour myself a scotch (from a crystal decanter) on the rocks (from an ice bucket with tongs) and discuss business deals with some rich oil tycoon.

This has never happened and I don't know why I imagine it's gonna happen in Minnesota. It is much more likely that I'll spend my time at Target, pretending not to see people I know.

Also, I don't like scotch.

Well this time is gonna be different. This time I'm only packing clown clothes.

I'm still not gonna acknowledge those people at Target though.

Another Wedding, Another Bad Haircut

So, my sister is getting married in a couple of weeks and I swear to god that before any important event in my life, I have to get a bad haircut first.

This time would be no exception. I just got it cut and it looks STUPID.

People are trying to tell me it looks ok but I know they are LYING.

But regardless, I super excited for my trip to the middle. I am gonna watch so much TV. So very much.

And then I will return to NYC a new woman!

A woman who accepts responsibility!

A woman who understands the value of delayed gratification!

A woman who embraces the positive!

Or else I'll just take up a new drug habit. I haven't decided yet.

Fuck Pluto

Pluto can go to hell.

Good riddance! Why don't you just orbit your way on outta here?

We are so done with you, Pluto. Just give it up. You are so finished in this galaxy.

Why don't you just throw yourself into a black hole or evaporate into a noxious gas or something?

Yeah, you heard me, Pluto. You suck. It's about time you got what's coming to you.

Oasis On A Train - Part 2

(Alternate Title: New York City Is Smarter Than You)

So, believing I am the greatest of all time, I step into the empty subway car and instantly walk into a WALL OF STANK. I mean, this was no ordinary stank, but a stank of epic proportions. It was like every foul odor packaged into one superpower stank of all time.

As the doors closed behind me, I glanced down and saw a little pile of uh, something, but my recoil was quick and fast, and I didn't want to stick around to examine the source of the vile aroma.

I hustled down to the other end of the car where a small group of others who thought they had outsmarted New York had gathered. We all kinda silently bonded over our combined foolishness and horror.

As I sat at the other end, I enjoyed watching passenger after passenger make the same mistake I had made. I would laugh as each one made the same horrible discovery of the stank of epic proportions, watching them gag and scurry to my end of the train gave me great joy - it was almost worth the stank.

And then, after awhile, I started to get used to the smell! I was SO ASHAMED that the stank had started to become a way of life for me!

But, I had a seat and god damn it, that is what's really important. As long as I can sit, everything will be ok - even if I have to endure a stank of epic proportion to do it.

So, just remember, if you're thinking you can outsmart NYC, you can't.

But you can be a filthy stank whore who will tolerate any odor just to have a seat. New York encourages that.

Oasis On A Train - Part 1

Alternate Title: Poop On A Train (to compete with the hugely popular Snakes On A Plane)

Oh what's that? You think you see an oasis on a train? Stop. Step back. You don't. There is no such thing. New York City has already thought of everything you know. So quit it. New York City is better than you and you're better off if you understand and respect this immediately.

And yet, once in awhile, you might think you're special. You might think you can pull one over on New York. Well, you can't.

But, the other night, as I descended into the 160 degree 2nd Avenue Stop, I heard, almost immediately, the distant rumble of the F train.

Could it be? Could it be I wouldn't have to wait in the bowels of stank for even a minute? Was this my lucky day? Was this the day that NYC wouldn't kick my ass?

Oh but, the luck seemed overflowing this evening, because not only did I not have to wait, but I also saw an empty car!

Empty! My favorite kind of car! A place to sit! All the really matters in life is a place to sit, as far as I'm concerned.

And, somehow, I think, this empty car amongst all the other very crowded cars has just somehow gone unnoticed! Until me! Only my watchful eye has noticed it!

Yes, I am the greatest of all time, I think, to have noticed this empty car that everyone else has somehow missed.

I think yes, finally, I have outsmarted New York City. At last.

LISTEN TO ME ONCE, IGNORE ME NOW AND REMEMBER ME TOMORROW: YOU CANNOT OUTSMART NEW YORK CITY.

Let me repeat myself, as a note to myself: YOU CANNOT OUTSMART NEW YORK CITY.

If you think you can, it will give you the beatdown you need in a hurry.

Don't worry, I got mine.

[to be continued]

A Barrel of Dead Monkeys

I'm sorry I've been slacking here folks, but I am beside myself with ambiguous dread. I couldn't even get myself to crawl to the computer yesterday to say hello to you, my sweet babies.

Every thought I have is a sad one. I try to fight off the sad thoughts, forcing myself to conjure up happy images of kittens and pills, but the sad thoughts persist.

Right now, I can't help thinking of every wrong move I've ever made, every dollar misspent, every wrong choice, and then documenting in my mind all the negative consequences that followed, the debt, the lost friendships, the missed opportunities.

And when I'm done thinking about all my regrets, I move on to thinking about global warming and terrorism and how we're all so totally doomed.

I am as much fun right now as a barrel of dead monkeys.

And tonight, I get to meet with my creepy landlord! Why can't the world just end already?

Hey Sweet Babies!

I'm boring.

Tell me what's up with you, ok?

I HATE MY LANDLORD SO MUCH

I just called my landlord to discuss the increase in my rent and to schedule an appointment to sign the new lease with my new roommate.

Here's how it went:

Me: Hello.
Him: Hello?
Me: Hi Frank, this is Lori from blah blah blah. How're you?
Him: [gruffly] Ok.
Me: So, I hear you're raising the rent?
Him: Yeah.
Me: How come?
Him: My bills went up.
Me: What bills?
Him: I don't have to explain to you! You want me to explain my bills to you?
Me: Well, I'm just wondering if it's necessary...
Him: I don't have to explain to you! It's for the whole building not just you!
Me: Ok then. I was just wondering if it was necessary...
Him: [accusingly] Who's the new tenant?!
Me: A friend of mine...
Him: [accusingly] Where's my security?
Me: Um, well that's why I'm calling you, Frank. So, when can we come over to sign the new lease? [aside: the lease isn't up until Sept 1]
Him: Whenever.
Me: Ok, how about Tuesday evening?
Him: Call me and remind me Monday.
Me: Ok.

Would it have been inappropriate to have added "I HATE YOU AND I HOPE YOU DIE A PAINFUL DEATH" at the end of that conversation?

Fuck Us

I feel like giving up. I'm sick of everything.

I want to take to my bed and stay there.

Nothing seems worth doing.

I mean, the world is clearly going to hell. What's the fucking point?

I don't think the human race is going to survive much longer and I'm glad.

I don't think we deserve to live. I really don't.

We are too stupid to live. I know I am sick of us.

We should all just get lost.

Fuck us. Fuck us all, everyone.

Think You Can Break Me?

Well, you can.

It's not that hard.

She'll Only Come Out At Night

Watch out, here I come.

The best things happen at night. Sure, the worst things usually too, but shut up about that would you?

Daytime activities have zero interest for me - unless we're talking about me lying on the beach in a tropical locale drinking from a coconut with a little umbrella in it.

But we're NEVER talking about that, are we motherfuckers?

Tell me that's what we're talking about and then we're REALLY talking.

But if you're not telling me about how you're going to take me away from all of this and how we're just going to sit on the beach all day drinking out of coconuts, well then, chances are I'm not even listening to what you're saying because that is all I am interested in.

I don't mean that. Lori Mocha aka Ice Cold Mocha aka Lormo aka your daddy always listens to you my sweet babies, as long as it's not too boring.

Just don't be super boring, ok? Also, don't be a total jackass, and we'll get along just fine, and daddy won't have to punch you in the face if you CAN JUST BE GOOD THIS ONE TIME.

CAN'T YOU FUCKING DO THAT FOR DADDY THIS ONE TIME OR DOES DADDY HAVE TO HIT YOU AGAIN??

Ice Cold Mocha needs you to take her away from all of this. Ice Cold needs your help! She's not made of frappucino you know. God that would be great. But no.

She's made of bitterness and pills.

It's hard out here for a little lady!

Please, won't someone take me away from all this?!

I'll make it worth your while. I mean it.

No really. I mean it. I am not kidding.

You won't be sorry. Seriously. You won't. No really.

I mean it.

Important Bizness

Sorry I couldn't post today folks, but I was having too much fun working on an Industrial Coatings Guide - Specifications for Shop and Field Coating Steel and Coatings for Water and Wastewater Facilities.

I know you're jealous!

Learning To Love Myself

Learning to love oneself is totally gay.

I'm going to give myself a serious beatdown instead.

Drugs Are Better Than Dating

I've been single for one year now and I've decided that a hard core drug habit would be WAY more preferable to dating.

I mean that.

I am eyeing heroin like a, well, like a heroin addict in a discount heroin store.

Sure, I've never done heroin, but I've heard good things. Oh sure, I've also heard a few bad things, but everything has it's down side.

And I am CONVINCED, that hard core drug use has got to be better than the losers I've been dating.

I mean drugs at least make you feel GOOD. Dating only makes me feel bad. The only upside of dating is that it isn't illegal.

So fuck it. I'm starting a relationship with somebody I can count on. Her name is Sweet Lady H.

I Want To Make Sweet Love To Friday

Dear Friday,

I love how casual you are with your khakis and your polo shirt and loafers.

I love how you say "screw it, that can wait 'til next week" and then we let that bastard Monday handle it.

I love how you are always up for cocktails after work.

Oh Friday, please say you'll be mine for all of eternity.

I know eternity is a super long time, but I will always love you, no matter what.

Even if you find a way to fuck me over (and you will) I will always love you. I promise. None of the other days of the week make me as giddy.

Will you marry me?

Sincerely with all my heart,
Lori

Is It Hot?

Or is it just me?

Why don't you grow some balls?

Like 12 of them.

Tuesday Is Stupid

Why do we even bother with Tuesdays?

I mean, they are worthless if you ask me.

But nobody did.

But, if anybody ever asks you what Lori Mocha thinks about Tuesdays, you tell them that she said Tuesdays should go to hell.