It's Only Fun Until Somebody Throws A Chair

Last night there was so much drama that I still can't even handle it.

Emotions were explicit and raw for sure last night people.

There were way too many goddamn feelings flying around all the over the place. Way way too many feelings.

And yet, amongst all the damn feelings was a little snippet of fun at this little cantina in the middle of Nowhere, Queens.

I mean, um well, it was fun, until somebody threw a chair across the room in a fit of rage.

But was most upsetting to me about that, was that I did not get to throw the chair.

I dream of throwing a chair in some establishment, you know like a bar or restaurant. Or maybe a a food court.

But my true dream is to throw a chair inside Olive Garden.

Like if the endless breadsticks were not coming fast enough, I would just stand up and firmly state keep those breadsticks coming motherfucker. You said they were endless. WE HAD A DEAL! And then if they were too slow, or I just didn't like the way somebody looked at me, I'd toss a chair.

So last nite, I watched somebody else achieve my dream right in front my eyes.

AND I AM SO JEALOUS!

WHY NOT ME?! WHEN DO I GET TO TOSS A CHAIR?!

Oh so not only did I not get to throw the chair, the bar owners then locked the door and trapped ME inside and tried to get ME to pay for the damage when I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING.

As if. That is total bologna my friends.

I guess I just shoulda gotten in on the action right there. I should been like Swayze in Roadhouse and smashed my beer bottle to make a weapon and challenging them all to a rumble. I'm not paying for a damn chair that I didn't even throw!

That's like having to pay for somebody's else's blow job while you wait in a Duane Reade until they're done. Or some analogy that isn't so sad and vulgar.

We really coulda used some help from the Swayze from Roadhouse last night.

Swazye is calm, cool, collected and reasonable. He would not have made me pay for a chair I didn't throw. He has ethics damn it.

But I was finally able to reason with the staff and they let me go because I prefer the non-beer brawl route.

I couldn't really participate is a bar room brawl because I think fighting is dumb and I have my glasses to protect here people!

Don't hit me I'm wearing glasses! My glasses!

And also, I'm not so much for turning my rage outward. I prefer to direct it all inward - until one day I do totally snap and throw a chair.

God, I can't wait for that day.

Queen Google (i.e. me in a tiara)

My pals Gene, Sarah Lucille, and me as Queen Google

I'm still not over it.

And I so need to move on. God damn it. I am sick.

Only sickos cling like I can cling. If my clinging power could be captured, I would rule the world.

But I can accomplish so much more besides clinging you guys. Like a lot. I swear it.

No really. I mean it. Like a lot. I know I could.

Comedy. Cartoons. Movies. Books. Acting. New and improved jackass comments. Art. Etc.

But. If. But.

WHY CAN'T I LET GO OF ANYTHING EVER EVEN IF IT RUINS MY LIFE?

Queen Google

I want to dress up as Queen Google for Halloween tomorrow nite.

(Because I am the best googler in the world).

All I got is a tiara to work with though.

Any other ideas? What would Queen Google wear?

HELP QUEEN GOOGLE I COMMAND THEE.

Sadness

My very good friend Kat's mom died today. She really doesn't need this right now.

Please send all your prayers and good thoughts and whatever to her, the universe and "the lord" or whatever.

I love Kat dearly and am very concerned about her. She is an angel. A tortured angel.

Let us join together and tell the universe to lay off her for a goddamn moment.

She is super strong and brilliant and so fucking cool I can't even stand it, so I know she will make it. But come on.

Come on magic baby in the sky! Cut her some slack.

All my thoughts and prayers are with you Kat. And "the lord" better be good to you from now on or else.

I am a lazy S.O.B.

Damn it I love not working.

Pardon me, but I think the O.C. is on.

Damn it I love to watch canceled soap operas.

Let me put on my slinky soap opera gown, pour myself some scotch from this crystal decanter, using tongs to put ice into my glass, and then lounge myself across the sofa and enjoy the show.

Another F Adventure

Ok, I had a good time last nite, UNTIL on the way home at 3am when I was racing up the stairs to catch the F train.

At that stop, there are like 12 flights of stairs to reach the F. Seriously. Like that many. I've actually seen people stop to rest and have a picnic half way through. There are that many.

So, I'm almost to the top and I'm very weary, my legs are ready to give out, but I hear the train pulling into the station.

There was no way I was gonna miss that goddamn train at 3am, so I sprint to the top and race to the train, only to wipe out right in front of the doors, sprawled on my back on the cement, my head next to the doors.

I thought for sure the train would pull away with me just lying* there.

But it didn't and I got on and all of the passengers cheered.

I ran through the train and high-fived everyone and while yelling I'M NUMBER ONE! I'M NUMBER ONE! WOOOOOOOOOOO!

I made up that part about me high-fiving. I am the worst high-fiver ever. I miss the hand at least 75% of the time.

No, I was mortified and covered my face with my hands for the rest of the ride.

It is a very strange sensation to lie on the subway platform in front of the subway doors.

Fun night.

I think I broke my arm.

*(Goddamn you Gloria Gaynor for confusing me about lie/lay. GODDAMN YOU GLORIA).

Be Still

I really like not working.

Although it is hard for me to do anything but sleep and watch sweet, sweet cable.

Sweet, sweet cable.

I'm hoping that one day I will get sick of just lying around all the time.

Hahahhahahahaahhahahahahahahha.

Oh boy. I am funny.

But seriously.

Some people just get up and do things of their own accord. No seriously. I've seen it. With my own eyes.

Actually though, I had the urge to get up and do something the other day.

But I just closed my eyes and laid real still until the feeling passed.

My New Boyfriend

Yeah, I know I'm late to the game on this foxy jewish dreamboat.
My sudden free time has allowed me to catch up on teen dramas that I missed the first time around, like The O.C.
He is the only reason to watch that show.

So, I'm ready for you now, Adam Brody.
Hope you like crazy chicks!

Dizzying Highs/Terrifying Lows

I am so tired of being crazy you guys.

Up in the clouds one moment, in the black abyss the next.

I wish I was normal.

That would be the greatest.

I also wish I was rich.

That would even be greater than the greatest.