My Deep Dark Secret

Sweet babies, I have something to confess and I'm scared to tell you but, ok, here goes:

I like evangelical leader Joyce Meyer. And, I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Ok, I am a little bit ashamed because I don't really believe in "the lord."

And, I know, I know, I KNOW, what some of you are gonna say. You're gonna say but Lori, you make fun of "the lord" all the time!

And it's true, I don't really believe in "the lord."

But I'd like to! It's a nice thought, isn't it? To think that there's a magical baby in the sky that is looking out for us?

And sure, when it's convenient and I'm desperate, sure, then I might say a little prayer.

But, I discovered Joyce in my darkest hours of depression, and her words were like a shot of morphine after a gun shot to the knee cap.

I find her advice, her spirit and her attitude to be so comforting. Her message, to me, really seems to be less about religion, and more about believing in yourself and your own worth.

Joyce has struggled through A LOT. Sexually abused by her father as a child, she struggled with drug abuse and bad relationships. But she overcame all that and triumphed.

Even though she was told that women could not be preachers, she went on to be selected by Time magazine as one of the most influential evangelical leaders in America, and now helps people all over the world.

So, when she tells me that I CAN be a winner in life, that I don't have to settle for second best, that I don't have to live a miserable life, and that I deserve to be happy and that it WILL happen, if I just don't give up—I feel calmed and hopeful.

And even though I'm not a believer in "the lord," that doesn't mean I can't benefit from her encouragement.

And, I love her mom hair, her Dress Barn outfits and her dime store bling.

And when she tells me that I may not be where I want to be, but at least I'm not where I was, well, I have to say amen!

So if you're struggling with depression, you might want to consider giving Joyce a little listen.

If she can comfort a cynical non-believer like me, you never know, maybe she can help you too.

Moving Tip - Throw Away Everything You Own

Dear Dr. Lori,

I am moving soon and all the packing makes me anxious. I keep thinking how angry my cats are going to get. I spent an hour yesterday just trying to pare down their toy collection. Then I got drunk. Moving day is fast approaching and I have packed a total of 5 boxes. Do you have any helps for me? And please don't say get your "friends" to help. I don't like people touching my stuff.

Truly,
Fucked!

Dear Fucked!,

My first advice is to never move because moving sucks.

Moving is the worst experience that most people will ever encounter - aside perhaps from being the victim of a violent crime. I know that I would prefer to be robbed at gunpoint rather than having to move.

I was robbed at gunpoint and it was over very quickly. But moving takes forever!

However, unfortunately we aren't often given the option of violent crime instead of moving, so you just gotta suck it up and do it.

Getting drunk is an excellent way to deal with the stress of moving and you already know this. So, just stay drunk until you are moved into your new place.

And then, once you are moved in, you should get drunk to celebrate.

Getting drunk is a good way to handle most any stressor.

Who cares about moving when you're drunk? Moving just becomes a party when mixed with alcohol.

So get drunk, and then simply throw away everything you own, and start fresh at the new place.

Do you really need all those books and knick knacks and furniture you have collected? No. You do not. Throw it all away and then you won't have anything to move.

If you don't want to throw it all away, then you have to let other people touch your stuff. Why don't you want people to touch your stuff anyway? And why did you put "friends" in quotes? Sound like you don't really have any friends.

Or are all your friends contagious lepers? Sounds like maybe you need some more advice about why all your friends are lepers. Write again and we will tackle why it is that you won't let lepers touch your dumb stuff.

And don't worry about your cats getting angry. Cats are always angry. That's just how they are. They are gonna be angry no matter what you do, so, that's their problem, not yours. Get used to it and learn to embrace their anger.

Good luck with the move. Stay drunk and let me know how it goes.

Yours truly,
Dr. Lori, BA in Psych

Bad Blogger!

I'm so sorry sweet babies, that I've been such a slacker blogger.

But until you pay me for my blogging, I have to make a living making name tag catalogs, which interferes with my blogging.

So, if you pay me to blog, and then I will blog every single day I swear.

But until then, it might be sporadic while I try to make some money.

Yours truly,
Lori, BA in Psych

Avoid Your Parents

dear lori- I haven't spoken to my mother in 7 months and yet I only feel mildly guilty. (btw I am Roman Catholic/Italian and Jewish) Is this normal? -lorider

Dear Lorider,

Like I've said before, you should never feel guilty about avoiding your parents. You didn't ask to be born.

Secondly, you surely didn't ask to be born to some crazy mixed religion parents. That's just them trying to double up on your guilt right there. They have a lot of nerve.

Here's the best religion to be: no religion.

If your parents insist on being some out-there religions, and can't even agree on one, that's not your fault either.

It's hard to talk to people that believe in magic, because they can win any argument with "but God said so." And how can you argue with that?

So don't call your mom more than once a year.

Also, it is my dream to marry a Jew. Can I say that? Is that wrong to say?

Yours truly,
Lori, Psych BA

Lying: Is it always wrong?

dearest lori. I told a fugly woman at the bar I couldn't go home with her because my wife died recently. Both were lies. Can I call her tomorrow? signed - Confused

Dear Confused,

First off, I am opposed to the term fugly. That's not a nice thing to say, even if it's true. Just say you weren't attracted to her. Fugly women deserve love too, anyway.

That doesn't mean you have to go home with her just to be nice.

In general, I have no problem with lying to get out of awkward situations. Or to simply make yourself feel or look better. So the lies are fine.

But why do you want to call her? You think she will maybe look better another time? Or are you planning on feeling more desperate tomorrow? Are you planning to give her a make-over?

However, I say sure, call her, she might feel sorry for you because of your pretend dead wife and be an easy lay.

But not me. I wouldn't. I would be turned off by your pretend dead wife.

Don't express any real emotions until the third date, at least.

And, I don't wanna hear about your dead anybody until there's a ring on my finger.

Yours truly,
Lori, BA in Psych

My Favorite Stage of Grief: Anger

dear lori- which stage of the stages of grief am I on? kthanxbye -lorider

Lorider (if that is your real name),

Clearly, you are in the denial stage if you think I can help you.

My advice is to move onto the anger stage and never leave it.

Forget about the other stages: bargaining (pathetic) and depression (no fun) and acceptance (yeah right).

Stay angry for the rest of your life.

Anger will fuel you to get things done and/or just not give a damn. Either way, you win.

Yours truly,
Dr. Lori, Psych BA

PS - I can help you.

I Can Help You!

Hey, I bet you didn't know that I have a BA in Psychology from the prestigious University of Wisconsin - Eau Claire, did you?

Well, I've decided I should put it to use. I want to help you with my important college degree, which is otherwise just sitting there not doing anything.

So, feel free to ask me your deep, dark personal questions, because I can help you, with my BA in Psych.

To start us out, "Roger" recently wrote and asked me:

Lori I'm going to a wedding in Atlanta in two weeks and am staying at a hotel, even though my parents live there and offered me shelter. Should I feel guilty?

Roger, you should never feel guilty about avoiding your parents. You didn't ask to be born.

However, I do think that during these trying economic times, you might want to save up by crashing on your parent's couch.

But if I could afford a hotel? I would totally do it to avoid my parents. And I love my parents. But I would love them more from my hotel room.

Got a question for me? Email me at lorimocha3000 AT gmail.com

Um, am I gonna get spam from posting my email address? Because maybe this isn't worth it then.

No seriously, email me with your problems. I can help you.

No really. I mean it.

For Your Health

I want to ram www.brulesrules.com down everyone's throat. It makes me laugh every single fucking time. Any of them. It is amazing new-ish comedy and you should look at it.

Here is MY tip for your health. I could only think of one tip, and it isn't actually a good tip AT ALL: Three Day Benders.

Three day benders are working well for me now. I can't find a job, so these benders are for you.

I am stimulating the economy by getting blackout drunk. FOR YOU.

I am embracing my inner Courtney Love FOR YOU.

I am ordering up hookers and blow FOR YOU.